37. Buddhahood

I knocked on Tazzy's door with whatever little life remained in me. He would have expected me barging into his room like a tornado but today I was like a gentle breeze. I bet Tazzy had never seen that face of mine before.
"Harry what happened?" he asked getting up from his bed. I had no strength to stand on my legs; I collapsed to my knees and held his hands,
"Tazzy..."
"Yes Harry, what happened?" he asked and I just shook my head from one side to the other expressing 'hopelessness'.
"What is it about?" he asked pulling me up by the arms, "Ansh" I whispered.
"Come let's talk about it" Tazzy pulled me to the balcony and offered the plastic chair to sit. I wanted to lie down on the floor so spontaneously I dropped to the carpet which accepted me more lovable than the one who had just said 'goodbye'. I rested my back against the wall and slowly head too. I saw the broken pot in front on the retaining wall and the rose plant rising out of it. At its peak a rose looked into the sky and behind it shone a half moon, I could see her face in the moon.
"What happened?" asked Tazzy and I took it easy to reply; now there was no hurry. The one for whom I would hurry was gone.
"She called" I said as if under drug effect.
"What did she say?" and I was slow again, almost tears in my eyes, the moon seemed melting to my vision.
"Goodbye"
"Waheguru...waheguru..." whispered Tazzy and closed his eyes maybe to pray for my pain or maybe to believe his ears.

I was feeling very low and Tazzy didn't speak for quite a while, he sat there with his legs folded, back upright in a meditation pose. After a while,
"Close your eyes Harry" said he and I obeyed choice-less-ly.
"Sit upright, hands on your knees" he instructed and I followed.
"What do you see?" and I replied honestly, "Her face…in the moon"
"What do you feel?"
"Defeated"
"What do you desire of her?"
Here I thought for a while, 'what did I want of her', nothing specific came to my mind,
"I just want to be with her...forever" I said convincingly.
"With her body?"
I was stunned, 'what is this question' my reasoning ability was dead for now, so what I uttered was my most natural response.
"No, with her" I insisted.
"Then why do you grieve for her body?"
The very moment was turned into a dilemma, 'what is this puzzle' I asked myself and there was no light to see through this one.
"I don't understand?" I confessed.
"All that she has in her power is to take her physical being away from your sight, her body out of your reach. What is in your power is to be with her 'self' even if there is no body...
"Because you will not be able to see her physically anymore is causing you a feeling of loss. She is not her body, so don't grieve about not seeing her body anymore; continue to seek love that exists even if there is no body... It is like god, he can hide his physical form from all mankind, take his body out of sight from all mankind but he still can't take away the evidence of his existence...and hence man continues to search for him, love him, pray to him, believe in him...

His words were very soothing on my heart and on my mind, very pleasant. His thought on my thoughts began lifting me up and I began feeling light. Plenty of time I took to let his thoughts heal mine.
"What should I do now?" I asked.
"Let-go"
"How?"
"The attachment that you have of seeing her daily, let it vanish as if an illusion it was, because that is not her, the face that you see in the moon let it fade away. Do it lovingly, do it prayfully, be grateful, no hatred only love, immense, unconditional, the one that transcends, transcends the body, transcends marriage, transcend society, transcend ego, transcends the need of physical presence..."
I let my mind loose, I still saw her face in the moon, I observed, it was there looking at me.
"Recall the happiest face she ever presented you..."
I recalled as said, her charming face walking towards me in the cafe lawn, her glow matched the moons’.
"Let it fade...gently...say a prayer...say goodbye..."
I concentrated on her beautiful face, this observation began affecting me, my face relaxed carved a smile over it all pain drained away, bliss radiated from my head, and I could feel a magnetic halo around my head. Slowly the face was fading away in front of my eyes as the glow of the moon got brighter and brighter and finally there was no face. I opened my eyes and there I saw, only the moon, plain and serene the face was gone only the moon remained radiant, now even brighter; that added glow was hers. I had never felt like this before, never, the face had faded but not even an ounce of love went away, in these twenty minutes it multiplied, I felt full, no room for anything else than love and it lost all categorisation at once, all specification of 'for whom' 'this much that much' 'till death does us apart' 'the most'. For first time, since ages it seemed, my mind was blank absolutely blank. A gentle cool March night breeze touched my face and I closed my eye again. How long I stayed that way thereon, I honestly don't know...